018. 💥 TXT; UN: QUEENOFZAUN

[opheliac]

so whose breathing? show of hands? win a prize if u show 2.

doesnt have to be ur own. ur hand and any hand u find in the gutter somewhere gets a pass.

and if u kicked the bucket? then sorry pal, but im booked out. ure gonna have to find another head to crash in.

Comments

[opheliac]

because i want to.

[grappler]

you're impossible sometimes.

[but she's not actually mad at all. maybe just rolling her eyes dramatically from where she's hanging out.]

[opheliac]

ure impossible, i dont understand u, ure a lunatic, ure insane, a lost cause, i cant deal with u, why do i even bother, blah blah blah. all of this is a broken record.

[grappler]

just meant you're impossible. all the other shit is an exaggeration.

impossible in the way that a little sister is. i'll always bother with you.

[ah she got mushy]

[opheliac]

and ill always bother u. and. ok, ill tell u why i was being difficult. soon. not now. or where everyone can read this.

private.

[grappler]

switched it over to private. better?

private. cw: mention of addiction, self-harm, vi's alcoholism

[opheliac]

sure.

[there's a lot of typing, stopping, typing, and stopping. but she finally gives in and writes this the best way she knows how:]

remember when u were out of it and all u did was fight, drown urself in booze only to do it all over again the next day? and well, doing that is ok SOMETIMES but u were doing it because u felt a way. and then that hole just kept getting bigger and bigger, and now ure just in this... wheel u can't hop out of. no matter how much u've tried or. u KNOWING doing this is bad, but... ure addicted and. u just cant stop.

and when something bad happens, its ur go-to. a bad go-to.

cw: vague suicidal ideations

[grappler]

[she remembers it vividly. that hopelessness, that feeling of loss of everything. that want for someone to just end it for her. and maybe she would've let someone kill her. the booze or the fights surely would've, if Jinx hadn't shown up. in a way, she saved her then too. who knew how much longer she would've lasted like that, as she lost more and more touch with reality.]

yeah. I get what you're talking about. something i'm working on, but I know I still have problems.

what do you do?

[because she knows there's definitely a point here.]

cw: probably a lot of triggering topics from here on out.

[opheliac]

[how can a three letter word be so hard to write? maybe it's because she is admitting something so personal and so troubling, and she would rather to have it hidden from the naked eye.

but if her sister can be brave about her struggles, then she can do it too. she just... needs to believe in herself. maybe she can trick herself into writing a sentence, then shortening it.]

cutting down a tree.


cutting down a

cutting

cut




im sorry.

[grappler]

[Vi's stomach twists at the message. not only because of the nature of it, but because of the apology at the end. because even now, Jinx still thinks that Vi will get mad or judge her for her mental illness(es).

she absolutely has no place to judge, and she knows that.]

don't you ever apologize for the shit that goes on in your head, you hear me? our minds encourage us to do... really fucked up things. because it convinces us it'll make us feel better, or distract us.

never feel like you're alone, or you can't talk to me about it or anything else, okay? I might not know what to say, but I'll do whatever it takes to help you.

[opheliac]

ok.

[she isn't trying to sound dismissive over her sister's words, and somehow, just saying, "ok" might not be the right thing to do here. so...]

ure the first person ive told.

isha and silco knew but by accident. its where no one can see. unless i get naked. i got better about it, but then... i dont know, habits?

[grappler]

[she knows that she isn't sounding dismissive, at least. it's just... an awkward thing to talk about. and she's feeling some sort of sister mushy feelings as she finds out Jinx hasn't told anyone else.]

i get it. it's like any other addiction -- it's hard to stop. you've seen my knuckles bloody and bruised just like Cait has. it's another thing about me that I do when I get upset or something, I hit something until they bleed.

we both need better coping skills, huh?

[opheliac]

like blowing up people? been thinking about going back to that.

[grappler]

probably not the best one to go back to, either.

[opheliac]

come on, sis. wheres ur sense of fun?? besides. im not going to blow them up to the point of death. juuuuuust blowing them up to the point of anguish and misery. two different things.

[grappler]

I have a sense of fun, just not the blowing up kind.

isn't anguish and misery worse??

[opheliac]

nnnnnnnnot if it's from someone u dont give two rat's ass about.

[grappler]

yeah, but someone else probably gives two rat's asses about them. here, anyway.

[opheliac]

ok, hows this: name ONE person here who cares about the local nobodies?

[grappler]

so you're just going to blow up a bunch of nobodies for fun? there's always monsters outside of the city and shit, too.

[opheliac]

only if they look at me funny. yeaaaa, but that gets old for me.

[grappler]

maybe you need to get a new hobby.

[opheliac]

and u need to live a little.

what happened to the vi who dragged us into wild missions? oh, thats right. she got whipped and collared. bow wow wow 🐶!!

[grappler]

i'm not whipped. and i'm not collared.

[not all the time, anyway.]

there's not really a reason for us to do that kind of shit here, though. unless you wanna count those greedy fucking vendors.

[opheliac]

ure not actually forking ur coins over to them, are u?