017. 💥 TXT; UN: QUEENOFZAUN

[opheliac]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, AND GAGGLE OF FREAK OF NATURES,

INTRODUCING........ the causer of chaos, reluctant hero, deranged symbol of hope, queen of Zaun, and your FAVORITE maniac, JINX and her MOST AMAZING, USEFUL, AND GREATEST REPORT NOTES OF ALDRIP!! 💥💥💥💥💥💥🎇🎇🎇🎇🧨✨🎉

are u new and have NO idea where u are, what ure in for, and u need information FAST?? or are u some regular schmuck with a flat brain and been living ur days like a mindless dope? dont worry, the author of ur nightmares and pleasant dreams has got u covered.

READ THIS!! (special guest, rhino, who will be asking the ANTICIPATING questions.)







RHINO ASKS: what is this place?

A. it's called aldrip (but i call it aldrag because its funnier)

RHINO ASKS: hey! this thing said i did a crime, but i didnt do it!! im innocent!!

A. thats because its prrroobabbly fake and made for show.

PROOF:

[there's an audio file that she uploads, and if one presses play:]

Person a: Duplicity? That's it? There's no way that that girl hasn't done other things.
Person b: Yeah, I think that crime isn't harsh enough. Some of them aren't harsh enough at all! Who--[STATIC NOISES]
Person a: Maybe we can [MORE STATIC NOISES].
Person c: That'd be so much more interesting!!


RHINO ASKS: so what do i do? how do i get back home?

A. TRUTHBOMB IMCOMMING!! 💣💥, but this is ur home now until they decide its time for u to go home. and completing ur "sentence" =/= u automatically go home after u finish it. thats a scam.

RHINO ASKS: well FINE! i guess i just wont do the sentencing then. 😡

A. if u dont complete ur sentence, something bad might happen to u or ur loved ones.

ex: they have the power to control ur thoughts, ur feelings, ure entire body, AND!!!! turn off ur abilities!!! so i would think twice about skipping out. the longer u wait, the more u start feeling funny!

RHINO ASKS: maybe the LOVELY LOCALS can help me out of this mess and give me answers!

A. dont bother, theyre not real, wont tell u squat, and theyre part of the system. OH!! but feel free to kill them if u want. they wont come back. and they probably wont feel a thing!

(💥AUTHOR'S NOTE: but if u DO decide to kill them, u may or may not get punished/sentenced for it. depends on whose sitting in the big chair that day!)

RHINO ASKS: who IS in charge anyway? can i talk to them?

A. jerry > council > AI. that my theory hierarchy. and nope! jerry is a coward scumbag and wont talk to *me* whenever ive tried. mmmmaybe if he quits being a dirt slug, he'll talk to u. except, no one has seen or heard from the guy in months, unless its sentencing time inside that courthouse. the bigwigs probably told him he sux big ones, and got demoted. serves him right, throw his useless ass off a cliff!! ha ha ha!

RHINO ASKS: ugh SCREW THEM!! ill just BLOW UP THAT COURTHOUSE!

A. been there, done that, 2x. nobody likes a copycat and besides, blowing things up is *my* job. unless i give u special permission, or one of my mine. besides, exploding it wont do anything. but it did the first time!! we got sucked in a brand-new life and jacked up the system. it was pretty cool. thats where i got my café idea.

RHINO ASKS: what was with that dream thing that happened last month? is that normal? and why do u keep talking about this...system?

A-1. oh, that's just the hierarchy ne'er-do-wells putting us to the test for their hush-hush secret scheme. get use to it, kids, because some are worse than others!!

the ai and the council might be duking it out with how to handle our rehabilitation. u know. same idea, different approach sort of thing. or maybe they switch shifts every day!!! rotating the throne. and one doesnt know what the other is doing. thats my theory and this genius is sticking to it!

A-2. (and no, NOT A2 the snowflake chick) we are in a digital computer world space.

PROOF:
- we were receiving messages about some uploading crap

- 1st explosion to courthouse = world glitched, messed up the upload, i guess, and we got warped into a new universe within aldrip. but then the ai or the council must have seen what we did, then fixed it all up again. and now aldrag is A LOT LESS ALDRAGGY!

(💥AUTHOR NOTE: trust me. the older version of this place made me want to bash my head in, and scoop my eyeballs out with a spoon.)

- we were experiencing glitches ever since that, then we reset the system, and now thats gone.

- there was a tear in the skies of this "world" which leads to the outside????

what was seen on the other side????? — do not have information — ask around or ragna —(💥AUTHOR'S NOTE: i wasnt here for that, NO FAIR! )8< )

ragna had the brightest idea and shoved his arm through it. we should all congratulate the simple-minded for taking one for the team!


💥💣 JINX THEORY 💣💥: we are living inside a bubble away from the REAL reality


✨SAFETY TIP ✨: never touch things or jam ur arm through something thats heebie-jeebie looking. use a stick, throw a rock at it, or trick ur least favorite person to put THEIR arm through it. then u wont lose a limb.

unless SOMEBODY decides to just. u know. shoot off ur finger. then throw ur old finger in the hole. who needs them when u can have a fancier and cooler prosthetic?

and where are the pictures of this crack anyway? and why havent i seen it yet? please tell me somebody took one. how do u expect the greatest scientist alive (THAT'S ME AGAIN!) to study anything?????? come on, give me something to work with here!!

RHINO ASKS: i have more questions!

A. 1. you can die here, BUT its temporary.

2. people who died can be brought here

3. children are ??????, but the youngest i've seen so far in age was 13

4. when/if u do return home, u wont remember the life u had in aldrip or the friends u made along the way

5. when they do decide to bring u back here, u might:

1) not remember ur time here
2) immediately remember ur time here
3) gradually remember ur time here

6. if u need a place to stay: go to the Inn or nab an apartment

7. alcohol for everyone!!!

8. need to make money? ask around! my purrfect café offers free drinks and food for newcomers for an entire
month! or i can just... hand u money. i'm loaded.

9. newcomers arrive to aldrip roughly every 2 months. give or take. people disappear/return home at random.

10. the system may be fake, but ure about 95% real. need proof to know if ure the real deal? meet me @ the city center and ill shoot u, and then we can rate between 1 and 10 on how much pain i put u in.

11. watch out for monsters outside the city limits.


got something else to ask me, just write to me here and ill drop a bomb for u. ORRR!! we can just talk, let the big fat hero make ur day better, one minute at a time. ure welcome, chuckleheads. 🐵🙊🙉🙈

Comments

[opheliac]

sure, but the first few days, they wont know what to do with themselves. a little boost wont hurt, right? aaaaaaaaand itll give them a taste how things are around here *with* money.

im
well
the ugly enforcer probably would have gotten herself eaten the first hour here or died if vi didnt take her in. shes pretty useless that way. so. im sure thats why she chose her. and i know a thing or two about survival, unlike her.

[conflictresolution]

The inn has enough rooms for an influx of new comers, but indeed, perhaps there is wisdom in hand outs. [Thanks, he hated it.] You and I should set up a program for newly arrived for places to stay, vouchers for food and opportunities for jobs.

Nothing of actual value would have been lost if she had succumbed. No matter, you live with me, and I will never forsake you like your sister.

[opheliac]

hey, thats a great idea! a father-daughter program thing.

i know ur businesses are essentially mine too if this place decides to poof u out of here, but its still *mainly* urs. and the coffeehouse is still *mainly* mine. so we should have something we can both work on together. it'll be fun!!

i used to be pretty steamed about it, but. im ok with her chosing her over me. whatever makes her the happiest.

[conflictresolution]

Indeed, should I be scratched out in this place, everything of mine is yours. We have yet to perform activities to unite our strengths for the good of the people.

Fortuitous for our little family unit then. She doesn't deserve you.

[opheliac]

how about we talk about it over dinner, business partner? scribble down plans, move numbers from the left to the right? u know. the usual shtick!

iiiiii wouldnt go too far with that. vi deserves love just as much as u do. u know, i bet if u really sit down with her (and me supervising), u two can learn how to play nice. i know u have it in u, my mr. silly!

[conflictresolution]

You believe I haven't already written a twenty point plan on this exact subject? I was simply waiting for you to consider its value. Dinner still sounds worthwhile.

She deserves to have her kidneys sold on the black market. And I am not nice, least of all to that waste of talent.

[opheliac]

of COURSE it sounds worthwhile. dinner and breakfast is our thing only. lunches are for........... our clients. hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

well, it looks like her kidneys are staying intact because we have no black market in this popsicle stand. besides, juuuuust because fivehead jerry isnt bothering us, doesnt mean he isnt watching our every move. u dont have to be nice, but just, i dont know, u and her behave urselves. no sentencing for u, buster! or im taking away ur favorite whiskey.

[conflictresolution]

Indeed, even if eating does take up far too much time in the day. Some of my businesses serve most meals. Others none at all. Clients come and go as they please.

[He is steadfast ignoring the implication about lunch. The idea of the boy annoys him immediately.]

You are correct, we do not currently have a black market. It seems an oversight for our reform to have to avoid such temptation. I'm not nice, and I have no reason to 'behave' around her. She hasn't physically assaulted me much, if that's what you mean. I don't believe you are in position to throw stones about sentencing as you currently hold the record for number of times sentenced.

[opheliac]

boy, was i wild huh? and now look at me. still wild, buuuuut down to 90%.

and here i thought the whole "having a kid changes u" mumbo jumbo was a myth. and u *do* have a reason to play nice.

whaaaat if it effects ur surprise?

[conflictresolution]

Let's not drop it quite so low. I'll give you 40% decrease.

It does and it doesn't. Suddenly being responsible for another person is altering.

It won't be much of a surprise if my having to be nice to your sister is a stipulation to its effect.

[opheliac]

hey, 100% to a 90% isnt THAT bad, is it? it shows i still got it in me. ill gut someone easy, no problem.

jjjjjuuuuust within reason. thats all.

oh yeah, pops? ure gonna make me say it? right here in front of everyone? alright, u asked for it.

silco. will u go on a father-daughter date with me?

1/2

[conflictresolution]

Well, as long as you haven't lost your hard edges, that's what matters.

Of course. Cover the eyes before you blow someone up.

2/2

[conflictresolution]

[What did he just read? It took him a few second to process the request.]

What has brought this on?

[The answer was obviously yes.]

private.

[opheliac]

ive been... feeling lonely. i know that sounds stupid because we see each other every day and all.

but.

u ever get that feeling that even though ure surrounded by so many people, u still feel a little sad? or kinda empty? i just want more. family love. i guess?

private.

[conflictresolution]

It's not typically sadness that I experience, but I understand the sentiment. Do you have something in mind for this father-daughter date? Or are we going to sew chaos randomly?

private.

[opheliac]

im still workshopping on that. something thats fun for the both of us! maybe a night out on the town, or play some bar games.

private.

[conflictresolution]

Will you be drinking? That's always entertaining.

[And he is back to chaperoning his little girl.]

private.

[opheliac]

nah, not this time.

ever since the council whoevers forced me to vomit every time i thought about violence, i laid off the stuff. and watching vi turn into a drunken slug monster didnt help change my mind either.

private.

[conflictresolution]

A shame as you are entertaining inebriated. There are always other options for a father-daughter night out.

Yes well, your sister does have a knack for ruining everything that was once good, entertaining and wholesome.

private.

[opheliac]

aw snap, am i?! guess i have no choice but to believe u, because i dont remember one single night of my happy hours. maybe we could smoke? cannabis is supposed to be healthy for psycho brains.

private.

[conflictresolution]

Don't worry, I recorded some of your antics and have those safely hidden away. Only with you would I consider it, but you are wrong: cannabis makes you stupid with prolonged use and during the moment of the high.

private.

[opheliac]

are u recording me and keeping them as a family photo album sort of thing? it doesnt make u stupid, it makes u relaxed. something *u* need, mr.i work and dont have any fun.

private.

[conflictresolution]

Basically, yes.

It makes you stupid and relaxed. I do have fun. I read.

[He does not have much fun.]

private.

[opheliac]

oh yeah? trick question: and what is it that u read, buster?

private.

[conflictresolution]

Currently I'm reading a book called The Bible. It's a god murdering novel with a moral twist in the middle and end.