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[heartstopping]

[Rolo has not been having a good time since everyone's memories came back. He's mostly dealt with this by staying home curled up in bed and ignoring the network completely, but after a few days he's finally desperate enough to pull the network device thing back out.]

Is there anything like a therapist in this city?

[He's not even thinking about shit like going anon right now. That would probably be a bad sign, if his standard preference for anonymity didn't necessarily preclude people knowing about said preference.]

Comments

[heartstopping]

[Lelouch is basically the one constant between both the lives in his head. That's a comfort right now, even if that comes with some complicated relationship dynamics.]

Yes.

[He's still in bed, but at least he's got his tablet-phone and he's actually doing something. Progress, right?]

[geass]

[he doesn't really know what he's going to do when he gets up there, but he grabs a snack and a soda that he remembers (some way or another) that Rolo likes before heading to his room.

he knocks when he gets there, mind mulling still over what he needs to say. what he wants to say???

he doesn't know what to do.]

[heartstopping]

Come in.

[For Lelouch, he'll even sit up a little, setting the phone thing aside. It's not like he's gotten much in the way of responses yet. Tragically, it doesn't seem like psychological professionals are much of a thing here.]

[geass]

[HE IS THE MOST AWKWARD...........

he's definitely awkward as he opens the door and crosses the room to Rolo. he'll hold out his offerings to his... not... brother... and frowns at him a bit.]

You... I haven't really seen much of you lately.

[heartstopping]

[Rolo takes the food and drink quietly. He hasn't had much of an appetite, but he recognizes both as things he likes. It doesn't ease the storm in his head, but there's a bloom of warmth in his chest at the thought of Lelouch noticing and remembering.

It takes him a few moments to organize his thoughts some. There's a lot going on and he's never been as eloquent as his brother.]

...I don't know how you or anyone else is managing so easily. None of this is bothering you? I don't... I can't tell what's real right now. Am I crazy?

[It's not entirely true. There's a very pragmatic part of him that can look at all this shit objectively and tell which set of memories aligns with the current state of things and what everyone else seems to be thinking. The issue is that the other one still feels real regardless. More than that, he wants it to be real. And even if he accepts the "true" reality here, a large part of him recoils at the very thought of what he's supposed to be.

Rolo fiddles halfheartedly with the packaging of the snack Lelouch gave him, uncommitted to actually opening it. He is hungry, but the sick feeling in his stomach makes the thought of eating a lot less appealing.]

...I'm not even sure who I am. My head feels like it's going to explode trying to sort through it all.

[geass]

It might take some time.

[Lelouch sits on the bed next to Rolo now, stretching out his long noodle legs towards the floor.]

You'll have to decide which memories you'll want to cling on to in the end. [his expression turns into something a little sour, now. and he directs it at the floor more than Rolo... or tries to.

because Rolo was part of That Time, too.] It's not the first time I've had my memories tampered with.

[heartstopping]

I know.

[It slips out before he can thing better of it, and then his mouth is twisting with discomfort over how natural it comes. He doesn't want to know about all that. He hates how easily Lelouch seems to have decided what's real and which option was clearly settled on. He hates that look on Lelouch's face. He hates the idea that he had any part in causing it.

Rolo pulls his knees up towards his chest, curling in on himself a little.]

I'm sorry.

[geass]

[there's a long silence. Lelouch doesn't play right now and say that it'll be okay. that it isn't his fault. because there's still a lot weighing on his chest that he could tell Rolo about... about how he really feels about these situations he keeps getting stuck in.

but he doesn't. it just wouldn't be productive.]

You'll just have to consider which life you want to hold on to... or if you'd like to take aspects of both. Talking to a professional, if there were any here, may help... but it's still something you'll have to decide.

[heartstopping]

I don't think what I want really matters. It's not the one that makes sense. Isn't still holding onto it despite all the evidence just...I don't know, delusional?

[There's irony in him saying that. He was clinging to delusions even before all this. But those were all he had back then. It feels a little silly now when he has something more real to compare it to – insofar as "real" means anything at this point. His life with Lelouch in Ashford had felt real to him despite the truth, but this life had really been real to both of them.

It sounds stupid even just in his own head. Rolo grimances, burying his face against his knees.]

But I don't want to forget it either. I don't want to be like this. I liked when you actually–

[He pauses and then shuts his mouth. He can't say it – when you actually loved me – without implying the opposite is true now. It's like an awful little game they play, where if he doesn't let on that he has any doubts then Lelouch will keep acting for him and he can keep clinging to the illusion. Would Lelouch bother anymore if he didn't think Rolo absolutely believed it?]

[geass]

[oof.

there's so much to unpack in these sentences that Lelouch falls silent again. there's so much anger and... conflicting feelings when it comes to Rolo. and he reflects now on how hard it must have been to be by yourself for so long, and not have anyone. he was around Nunnally's age, after all...

it's not that Rolo's an inherently bad person. he killed Shirley. he got in his way multiple times. but that's because he thought he was actually doing the good thing. this is all something he's got to learn how to unpack, if only for Rolo than for Lelouch himself.

he lifts his hand and places it on Rolo's head, looking at him from the corner of his eyes.]

I've... grown to care about you, Rolo. Genuinely.

[a beat.]

In this, I'm not lying.

[heartstopping]

[Rolo glances up at him for a moment, and he looks far too much like a kicked puppy for an assassin with a decade-long career. And there's something searching in that look, but he maintains it only for a few moments before he drops his gaze back down to his knees.]

I...

[I believe you. he surely could have said it without a moment of hesitation when they first arrived here. Exactly how true it would have been is a different matter entirely, but it felt easier at that time to tell himself that it was alright if Lelouch was just using him, that it was his choosing to believe that mattered. Now, there's a life of memories in his head wherein choosing something for himself wasn't such a novelty and Lelouch's unconditional love was a fact of life.

It puts things into perspective. He almost wishes he could forget it all and retreat back into his fledgling conceptualization of love and personhood, but they're precious memories and he can't bear the thought of giving them up. They're precious, and they were real, at least to him, even more so than the ones from his year at Ashford.

It's a bitter thought that all his happiest memories are always fake.

Rolo's hands grip tight around his knees, like he's restraining the urge to clutch at his brother, and his eyes remain downcast, but he can't help but lean his head into the touch just slightly.]

...I want to believe you.

[geass]

[he deserves that. he hadn't treated Rolo well at all, not at home. those sorts of memories just don't disappear like that. honestly, he's fairly certain that if Rolo were anyone else, if someone else were to show an iota of affection for him... Rolo would be long gone.

but Lelouch feels him lean into the touch, and it makes him look at Rolo in earnest.]

I know. Your big brother... is just a liar.

[it's an echo of another instance, before Rolo died--]

You have to decide for yourself what to believe.

[he said it before... but it's still true.]

[heartstopping]

[The real irony is that even if that alternate life made it easier to doubt Lelouch, it also made it even harder to think of ever abandoning him. Because this isn't just someone who'd used him and lied to him, it's his big brother. His actual brother who'd looked after him his whole life. If that other life is real enough to shake his belief, it's also real enough to deserve his loyalty.

But he doesn't think he could explain any of that easily. And maybe he shouldn't. There's even more than that on his mind too, anyway, so after another glance up to meet Lelouch's gaze and hold it for a few moments, he diverts subjects.]

Someone I was just talking to had an interesting idea about this place.

[It probably feels like an abrupt shift, but he hasn't been able to stop thinking about it since Shinjiro suggested it. It's been on his mind just as much as all these other existential issues.]

He thinks it's all fake. That we weren't brought here, just...copied, you know? It makes sense to me. Some kind of simulation or something is more believable than people getting brought back from the dead and kidnapped from other worlds and having their entire lives rewritten.

[He doesn't have to get into it more than that. Lelouch is the smartest person Rolo knows. He can pick up on the implications of that – that there might not be any going home at all, that this world might be all there is for them.

Rolo doesn't think just the possibility is enough to change Lelouch's mind about anything. But maybe it's enough to inspire some doubt.]

[geass]

[that is quite a theory. Lelouch stays quiet for a long time, gazing down at the floor and his outstretched legs. he doesn't even know how he'd feel if that was a confirmed suspicion...

it could make sense. but he's not sure he wants it to.]

I'll see if I can find any proof of that, or if it's just merely conjecture.

[he can kind of see where Rolo's going with it, so he doesn't talk about it out loud.]

For now... focus on your scrambled feelings. If you hear any other information, pass it along to me.